There are many common myths and misconceptions about infidelity, and when couples come to me for counseling about one partner’s infidelity, the offending partner usually articulates one or more of these myths during the first session. These myths and misconceptions include:
• “Affairs are good for a marriage. A little fun on the side keeps you from getting bored at home.” Fact: You really think so? Then let’s reframe this statement and see if it still makes sense: “Lies, secrecy, and betrayal are good ways to build intimacy and togetherness in a marriage.” While it’s true that marriages can and do become dull, it is a myth that marriage has to be dull—or that faithful monogamy is to blame. It is intimacy—not infidelity—that makes marriage exciting.
• “Well, it’s all out in the open now—I guess divorce is the only option.” Fact: In roughly half the infidelity cases I’ve worked with, both partners have found ways to use the discovery of infidelity as a wakeup call. In time, after trust has been rebuilt, the discovery of infidelity can often serve as a springboard to a stronger relationship. (Obviously, it’s wiser and healthier to strengthen the relationship before one partner strays; a strong marriage relationship is the best way to prevent infidelity from happening.)
• “It’s my partner’s fault I did this.” The offended partner often owns this point of view as well: “It’s my fault. If I had been a better partner, my spouse wouldn’t have had to go outside of the marriage for a sexual relationship.” Fact: We are all responsible for our own actions. No one else makes us jump into the wrong bed. In order for a relationship to be healed, the person who committed the infidelity must take personal responsibility for his or her actions. The offender must stop making excuses and blaming others for what he or she did.
• “This affair must mean all the love has gone out of our marriage.” Fact: While affairs are frequently a warning sign of deeper problems in the marriage, they usually do not signal that “the love has gone.” This myth is based on a fundamental misconception about love. The notion that “love” is a magical feeling that strikes two people like a bolt out of the blue, then disappears without explanation, is a lot of romanticized nonsense. It’s a silly, simplistic, “high school” way of looking at love.
• “Affairs are good for a marriage. A little fun on the side keeps you from getting bored at home.” Fact: You really think so? Then let’s reframe this statement and see if it still makes sense: “Lies, secrecy, and betrayal are good ways to build intimacy and togetherness in a marriage.” While it’s true that marriages can and do become dull, it is a myth that marriage has to be dull—or that faithful monogamy is to blame. It is intimacy—not infidelity—that makes marriage exciting.
• “Well, it’s all out in the open now—I guess divorce is the only option.” Fact: In roughly half the infidelity cases I’ve worked with, both partners have found ways to use the discovery of infidelity as a wakeup call. In time, after trust has been rebuilt, the discovery of infidelity can often serve as a springboard to a stronger relationship. (Obviously, it’s wiser and healthier to strengthen the relationship before one partner strays; a strong marriage relationship is the best way to prevent infidelity from happening.)
• “It’s my partner’s fault I did this.” The offended partner often owns this point of view as well: “It’s my fault. If I had been a better partner, my spouse wouldn’t have had to go outside of the marriage for a sexual relationship.” Fact: We are all responsible for our own actions. No one else makes us jump into the wrong bed. In order for a relationship to be healed, the person who committed the infidelity must take personal responsibility for his or her actions. The offender must stop making excuses and blaming others for what he or she did.
• “This affair must mean all the love has gone out of our marriage.” Fact: While affairs are frequently a warning sign of deeper problems in the marriage, they usually do not signal that “the love has gone.” This myth is based on a fundamental misconception about love. The notion that “love” is a magical feeling that strikes two people like a bolt out of the blue, then disappears without explanation, is a lot of romanticized nonsense. It’s a silly, simplistic, “high school” way of looking at love.